Glass Half Full!
Where to start?
Yesterday was Tuesday - it was a typical 9-5 day at the office… I had bloods taken in the morning, an examination by the doctor and a brief consultation. In the afternoon I had a CT scan and rounded off the day with an MRI.
Monday was a BAD day. I was so depressed that I couldn’t do anything. When I’m in this state of mind I worry and beat myself up about it… I’m usually so upbeat and motivated, but on Monday, I wasn’t. Sometimes everything spirals out of control and then the ‘pointless’ elements of my existence begin to creep in. It’s hard to explain, and I won’t try to in fear of landing myself back in that dark place again. I was awake ALL Monday night too. I’m not exaggerating. I was on edge the whole night going over and over and over all sorts of horrors. This sleepless night wasn’t the best way to start a scan day, as I proceeded to walk around the hospital like a half-cut zombie.
Anyway, I knew that yesterdays CT and MRI would confirm whether or not the trial drugs have been doing anything worthwhile to those pesky cancer cells. I was worried about how I’d react if they told me it hadn’t done anything, baring in mind I’ve put a lot of energy into taking part in this treatment. However, the realistic side of me was unavoidably on board the negative train…after all, I’ve never received anything but terrible news. The CT scan was alright, pretty standard as CT’s go… it’s the MRI I hate. Plus it was one of the vibration scans again, and I found myself having a panic attack half way through whilst reliving a particularly distressing memory.
In the consultation with the doc, I asked her when I’d receive the results. She said it would most likely be Monday morning - once they’d had enough time to formulate a thorough peer-reviewed written report. I expressed my concerns about having to wait 5 days… my anxiety is at an all time high already, and next Tuesday was meant to be Cycle 3 of treatment. The scan results are one of the worst experiences to go through as a cancer patient, and I didn’t feel strong enough to pull through a 5 day limbo.
So, my (incredible) radiologist, who has carried out all of my scans to date (ultrasounds, CT’s, MRI’s etc) agreed to complete an analysis last night. I got home at 6pm and sat on the sofa awaiting her phone call. At 7.05pm the phone rang and I swallowed my heart in my throat.
The results:
No new signs of cancer - EXCELLENT news
Disease Progression = stable - also GREAT news
Liver metastasis responded to drug more than Lung mets - expected.
Most liver mets remain static in size - awesome!
Some lung mets grown, not by cm’s, but mm’s - acceptable.
All in all, nothing drastic has occurred to warrant discontinuation of the drug. They want to continue to see what effect more treatment will have on the cancer. Like the doc said, the thing to hold on to is that there is no new cancer - so, it hasn’t spread…and that was my worst nightmare. PLUS, most of the liver metastasis have remained static in size - that means their sources of energy to grow have been cut off by the drug. Amazing science in action. Obviously the disease on the lungs is a bit more clever in that some tumours have still managed to grow a few millimetres. But at least they haven’t doubled in size.
So, it’s neither good, nor bad. But I’d say mostly good, especially after only two cycles of treatment, which is early days anyway. SO, I’m going to take a glass half full approach - because I’ve worked damn hard for this!!!
- without wanting to sound like an awards ceremony speech - I want to thank my Mum for holding my hand yet again through another gruelling day of torturous events… and also big thanks to Mandy for again being such an incredibly supportive and loyal friend :) x
